No fat chicks.

Now this is real nice.



This ad is massively offensive, mainly in that it entirely equates 'the wrong woman' with 'the wrong-sized woman' (not to mention that, judging by the wedding photo in the ad, the wife LOOKED LIKE THAT WHEN HE MARRIED HER).

But let's talk about the website - ashleymadison.com, which describes itself as the world’s #1 Married Dating service specifically for ATTACHED men and women who are looking to have an Extra-marital Affair. Ummmmm... ick.

At the end of the day, I am a believer in live and let live when it comes to consenting adults. It just strikes me that the time and energy spent 'winking' at sexy marrieds on this site could be much better spent either:

a) talking to/shagging one's spouse
b) filing for divorce

The site's excellent press room features a ton of articles in support of the site, and while I certainly am not surprised this Canadian venture has become moderately successful (from 50,000 to 350,000 users over the last 5 years) it kind of seems like the refuge for the pathetic.

What happened to hotel bars, anyway?

The best movie of 2008...

This trailer made me laugh really hard.

It looks like a cinematic experience on the level with Crossroads, Glitter and Baby Geniuses. All of which I saw in the theatre. Don't judge me.

Beckstar reviews animated gifs of dragons

So I was reminiscing on one of my most popular posts - reviews of animated gifs of cats, and was inspired to log a similar entry. This time dragons.

This was an interesting project, because it highlighted a clear lack of understanding in our culture of what exactly a dragon is. Let's start with

Dragons are:

Yes. Dragons are flying, fire-breathing badasses. If this gif included some burning villagers, it would be pretty much perfect.

Dragons are not:

Turds with faces.

Sexy alligators.

Interested in world events, sports, editorials or comics. In fact, I'm pretty sure that dragons can't read. Period.

Bats with pants.

Now that we're on the topic, can we talk about cartoons and animals in pants?

I get that illustrators don't really want to draw the creepy loin region of these asexual subjects, and thus just toss on an oversized t-shirt or a pair of tight jeans. But for the viewers, this just begs the question of what exactly lives under these garments, which is infinitely more disturbing.

This is a gyrating freak show.

Not only does the creator of this gif imagine dragons to be obese, overly friendly try-hards, but the left hand is perpetually locked in a moment of obscene self-gratification. Can you imagine if this dragon was wearing pants?

My guess is that the dragon in this case is a thinly-veiled metaphor for the creator's "Fun Uncle Touch-a-lot". Sometimes the subconscious comes out in unexpected ways.

And then we have my personal favourite. Again... WTF?

Best Moments from the R Kelly Trial!

...But her testimony quickly turned into a play-by-play of a fantasy basketball game in which Kelly was the star player. Kelly had a hit with "I Believe I Can Fly," from the soundtrack to the animated movie "Space Jam." According to Guerrero, Kelly also believed he could play ball.

Guerrero described--and prosecutors provided photos of--a mural on the wall of a half basketball court in the lower level of the home. In it, Kelly is a Michael Jordan doppelganger, bald, shiny, muscles rippling, committing a flagrant foul against the Tasmanian Devil. Jordan himself is the referee. And the audience? A cast of Looney Tunes characters, from Elmer Fudd to Sylvester, cheering on the one-on-one game and holding signs that read "Go R. Kelly!" and "Go Taz!"

- source

Are you kidding me? This is unprecedented.

Jamison also got a few laughs out of the court, such as when Adam asked her about the possibility of the tape having been altered with special effects. Had she seen the Wayans brothers movie "Little Man"? "It looked real, didn't it?" Adam asked. "Not really," Jamison replied with some sarcasm.

- source

The Wayan Brothers defense?

Kelly's attorneys suggest that a prayer group called "Midnight Missionaries" often came to the studio in the wee hours to pray about topics such as "sin and adultery."

- source

It's a hard time to be an R Kelly fan. Don't get me wrong, it's never been all that easy to be an R Kelly fan. But the infamous urination video seems a lot less funny in the cold light of the courtroom.

I, like the rest of society it seems, have inconsistent opinions about both the criminally famous and the sexualization of children. I only need to cite some first names - Britney, Miley, Jon-Benet - to make the point. Let's be clear - sexual activity with young teenagers, as a forty-year old man, is repugnant and appropriately criminal.

But my R Kelly love has never been about reason or ethics. It's a lawless love born of ego and delusion. And thus, I follow the trial. R Kelly, you never cease to amaze.

As other bloggers have said about this...

You wish, Microsoft.



Memories of this video, which I blogged about earlier, but which definitely deserves a second look. The video was pulled for a while, but it's back, and.... uh... wow.

Magical Cats!

A quick disclaimer: I am a dog person. Although I have known the odd cat who seemed a content, affectionate and cute-ish pet, they're just really not my thing.

Still, while there are many extreme examples of dog fanaticism, nobody does it like the cat folk.

You've seen stuffonmycat.com.


Omigod. Like, remember Construx?

You might have even spent some time on Flippy's Cat Page, gleaning such beautiful user-submitted prose as:

Happiness is:
... Sparkplug following me into the bathroom and watching me shave my legs.
... Brahms carefully watching the smaller kittens as they play.
... Walking into my mother’s house and having seventeen cats pounce on me and purr.
... Waking up to find a multitude of meowing fuzz balls sleeping with me.
... Having an "intelligent conversation" with a group of cats.

Did you read that? SEVENTEEN CATS. Daaamn man, maybe crazy cat lady is genetic. Moving right along, if you aaare the kind of person who enjoys the aforementioned, you've probably already seen this. For the others, I present to you: Cats. In. Bowls.



Related: The World's First Website for Cats, which is, in my opinion, of dubious appeal to both cats and humans.

No, I don't get it either...

But this is insanely viral right now, and I thought, out of service to my readers, you should be ahead of the curve on this madness:



If someone says 'Youtube? Isn't that all just autistic kids with keyboards these days?', you'll know to what they refer.

Random Robot Content Hour!

It's the anthem of the summer. It's the video of the year. It's the cutest robot ever.

Lupe Fiasco has been quietly ruling for a while, so stop sleeping and bear witness:


Praise due also to Jill Scott, who brings the vocals.

And this... is the weirdest commercial of the year. It's extremely disturbing and creepy, but hey - when you're trying to sell Slurpee's to kids, you do what you can. Noting, of course, that one of the more successful Slurpee flavours/promos in recent history was the Bloody Zit. Yeah. Maybe this works.


What, exactly, is he supposed to be drinking?

The spirit of hip hop just keeled over and died

This is wrong on so many levels it may as well come over in a gimp suit and make out with your mom.

MC KARL ROVE?!?!? Have mercy. This is from the recent Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner.

The fact that Karl Rove, evil old white dude and living embodiment of "the man", thought that it was acceptable to clutch himself awkwardly and gyrate with a cellphone while a cheap mc drops embarassingly bad corporate rhymes about him, like

He can't be beat because he's so white from his head to his feet but he will rap it when you give him a chance.

Look at him move, doing the rapping dance. That's true, he's a dancing resident. He is a sidekick to the president.

is unequivocal proof that hip hop has become completely divorced from the political context it was born from.

I mean... DOING THE RAPPING DANCE?!? What on earth is the rapping dance???


I had to watch this twice in order to blog it effectively. I am going to cry in the shower now

An inspirational moment...

Because seriously - if these guys can do... going out in public wearing really bad homemade Star Wars costumes, you can obviously do whatever it is is you secretly dream about.


Just look at the helmet on the right. What kind of person makes this? My suspicion: a blind woman with delusions of artistic competence, obsessed with her ballad-singing stalker.


"a pic of Orvie and friend (who appears to be a bear with a lipstick belt!)"
- Room of Doom website, source for all these amazing photos.


I want to meet this kid!

Room of Doom , from their website:

StarWarsHelmets.com features the VERY BEST helmets and costumes that have ever been created - from all over the World. However where there is Light, there is Dark. Wherever there is Beauty............
..There is sheer unadulterated pain, flatulence and ugliness!!!

Go, monkey, go!

There's really no commentary required here...


Check the amazing look he gives the camera at the beginning. Loves it!

Okay, maybe a little commentary.

While shopping for food for the black dog, Scott saw some monkey jockey footage on a dvd for dogs.

This is Whiplash, a 16 year veteran monkey jockey. This photo is obviously amazing.


So cute! It's like a tiny Charleton Heston!

Now obviously monkeys riding dogs are always going to be funny. I mean, what am I - made of stone?

Of course, I do feel obliged to mention that it's proooooobably not the best thing for either animal. Although they do look like they're having fun, what with the terrified shrieking and the hysterical dashing around the pen.

Animal Rights Florida certainly condemns the practice, saying that training-by-abuse is common. They include a mildly sinister quote from another pioneer in the business:

“I know what I've been through to train a monkey to ride a dog and if I can train a monkey to ride a dog, I can train a rock to do tricks."
- Tim Lepard

Creeptastic! I mean seriously - these guys are basically carneys with monkeys. Nobody wants to see that.


The monkey wears the shirt to hide all the bruises. Tommy Lucia, you monkey-abusing freak.

I really couldn't find anything around that fully explains the whole monkey jockey thing, but I did find a photo series that suggests it's not entirely a new phenomenon:


I particularly love the second contraption.

Ah, it's all so very, very weird.

Warning: don't be this guy.

Yes folks, I'm back.

I have a sweet post with all the photos of my amazing trip to Mexico, on the burner, but it's time to go to bed.

Still running a bit of a deficit from the INSANE (in truly the most literal sense of the word) New Year's party at the Biltmore. Details to follow.

In the meantime, enjoy this little spot from Europe. A good public warning, this one. You definitely don't want to be this guy.

Tony Danza, you hapless bitch

I hate this guy.

Partially because he plays characters named Tony so much it's become an obvious joke, and really, what is that?

Partially because he's just such an unbelievable douchebag*. I mean seriously - look at the guy.

Partially because he says stuff like this in interviews:

I think in a crazy way Eminem has got a sound. There’s something very different about what he does.

I mean I wish it wasn’t as vulgar as it is at times, but, there’s something about it that’s different, that I respond differently to, or the same way I used to respond to stuff when it was new. We may be in a little bit of slump.

In my act I do some songs from 1951, the year I was born. I say that’s the prevalent music of ’51 and now the prevalent music of today is rap-----and then I rap. I got an alter-ego. I don’t know if you know that. Italian Ice. (Laughs). I do some rap.

There is some rap put there that’s very good and different and not as vulgar, and uplifting. Even Tupac Shakur, if you ever heard his song “Dear Momma”, you say wow, this guy could’ve really been something as far as uplifting as opposed to the thug life that he chose.

* Douchebag is one of my 'Top Ten Socially-Acceptable Insults', coming soon!

It rubs the lotion...

So yeah, I've been a bit remiss on the ol' blogging this week. Why you ask? Partly because I've been buried neck-deep in work, and have been forced to use my nightly laptop hour for job-related tasking. Partly because we bought a wii on Tuesday, and it's sucking our lives away in a glorious flurry of Nintendo magic.

Or... could it be that I am stuck down a hole, rubbing lotion on my skin?


...or else it gets the hose again.

McDonald's Hilarious Race Sites!

Okay now really.

Not only does McDonald's conduct an active campaign targeted to the black community, it does the same for the latino and asian communities.

Now I have no problem with the idea. I'm not one of those covert 'then-whur's-the-white-kid-program?' racists, although I would prefer an ordering by socio-economic or geographic group because I think it would be more effective.

Rather my problem is with the unbelievable racial stereotyping on the microsites. Seriously - check this shit out. All straight from McDonald's fun headquarters.

i-am-asian

Which I guess means 'i hate upper case'. At least this site speaks to some scholarship money. But seriously - look at this interface. It's every Asian stereotype rolled in one ikea-decorated dorm-room nightmare. And what is up with the mash-up of Asian cultures represented in this 'asian' dude's room? Is he just a fan of 'Asian' or something?


You should go to this site just to hear the rollover voice on the dog. It yells 'Year of re dog!' in a voice best described using a word I never thought I'd use - chinky. [washes mouth out]

lomcximo

Which I imagine means 'Hand's Off My Burrito Esse' or something. Seriously now, McDonald's is just being cruel here. In between the blatant jabs at Latino-American education and status, all they get here is soccer and video games like 'Taxi Metro', for which the instructions are, not even kidding:

Drive your taxi around the city and when you see someone thinking about chicken... you know where to take them.

For fuck's sake - is this really the best they can do?


Focus group research shows that Mex-i-cans mainly aren't real clear about the concept of 'Dollar Menu'. A clear jab at the comprimised education received by latino students who speak Spanish at home. I mean hot damn that shit's remedial.

Bonus Racist Aside!

Look for it:


A bone for the Jewish-American demographic, or a blatant mis-interpretation? Watch the image to find out!

Someone's probably going to have to talk to McDonald's about racial sensitivity. I mean seriously - Taxi Metro?!?!

McDonald's: 365wack.com

Okay, a big w-t-f to McDonald's over their 365black campaign. I guess the program officially started in 2002, but is still running strong as seen in this Rolling Stone ad I caught yesterday:


Get it? He's not a starving artist when he can afford items on the Dollar Menu!

Copy deck at bottom:

Whether it's a Double Cheeseburger, fries, or Hot Fudge Sundae, I can create anything from a meal to a snack out of McDonald's Dollar Menu. Enjoying good food every day doesn't make me less talented. Take a look at my work. I call this my happy period.

The artist, Hebru, is actually pretty tight, what in a 'figurative neo-pop derivative of Basquiat' kind of way:


Some of Hebru's work - as seen on his myspace page.

But the 365black campaign? Jeezus.


Hey! It's Getty Images #200254000-001!. Keywords: 'black youth - non-threatening'; 'the kids we're supposed to depict only wish they had clothes this nice'.

Communications-wise, in name, execution, everything, it just seems embarassingly condescending. Case in point: their website.

It has profiles of the 'leadership officers', which taught me that both the president and chief marketing officer of McDonald's USA are black. Two more dedicated men, doing whatever it takes to keep poor Americans reaching deep into thin wallets for more poly-saturated fats.

The site also has their 'ad campaigns', with a loft introduction about how for more than 30 years, McDonald's has demonstrated its appreciation for the African American consumer base by giving back to the communities where we do business. Sounds great, except the ads aren't about the community at all, rather are just some of the ads featuring black actors and urban culture (breakdancing burger wrappers!) they've run recently.

Seriously, if this program is about celebrating African American achievements, where are they? Even the artist isn't on their website, despite having his name listed with it in the ad. Am I missing something?

Some multinationals with questionable ethics run amazing advertising campaigns (Coke, Nike). To be honest, I never really love the Mickey Dee spots. At the same time, these are some memorable ones from advertising past:


1967 - McDonald's first national ad. Children of this era may remember one or more of the derisive 'Jingle-Bells-Batman-Smells' variations that it generated. Mcdonalds is the kind of place. They serve you rattlesnakes. They spit right in your shakes. etc.


1969 - eat there! It's cleeeeaaaan!


1980's. McDonald's plus Jet Skis? Brilliant!

Somewhere, Bono, Jesus and Good Taste are holding each other and weeping...

This is so mindblowingly lame I can barely process it.

Check it: it's a video of a Bank of America corporate event, where two upstarts in the Manhatten office decided to write a heartfelt song expressing... well... fuck it - just watch this thing.

Update: This video seems to have been removed from the location it lived in online, most likely because the ghost of corporate future swept down on these gentlemen and showed them what unbelievable loser suck-jobs they were on the road to becoming. HOWEVER, I had the good sense to download a wmv file of this fantasticness - because I am the blogger who never forgets - and I will try to find a way to keep the vid alive.


These guys pull mad pussy at company picnics.

My personal favourite lines:

Have you come to meet Bruce Henners?
Have you come to meet Leah McGee?
Have you heard about Michelle Shepherd?
She's leading the team in the North East.

These guys should probably kill themselves immediately. Anytime you've incorporated the words 'We'll live out our core values' into a song, you have officially become less than human.

Besides, everyone knows that the only song bank dudes should be singing is this one:


Who would screw you? A question the guys above should be asking everytime they see their own reflection.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

... or more accurately, ewwww.


I make out with this guy every day. In ironic punishment hell, that is.


This grill - JAWS_NEW_EDITION - is #1 on a list of 'Top Ten Grills'. Sweet!

I found these while doing research for a work project, on a site called seemygrill.com. The best part is the comments people wrote about that last JAWS grill. Check it:

ill let you bite me just to feel your icy diamonds
- stacey (2006-04-16)

that is the pimp of the sharks he probably macks all the sharks that r girls
- josh white (2006-11-03)

DETROIT IS DA ONLY CITY WITH ANIMALS WITH GRILLZ
- BOSS (2006-09-15)

Rollin through da hood wit mah Big Teef Sparklin... Niggas aint laughin cause dey know my shit sharpened... Swimmin at da beach... tryin to find a deal.... eating off yo legs like a 3 peice meal.... My Name is Great Whitey.... The Shark of the East... My Grill be flashin rainbows... On Yo Ass Im gonna feast.... Peace
- GuardyaGrill (2006-06-14)

if he bit me da scar would freeze da ice would heal it
- dejon (2006-06-04)

YOU GRILLIN HARD TO BE A SHARK,ILL GET BIT BY YOU ANY DAY OF THE WEEK,WITH YO FRESH ASS GRILL,DAMN
- CHRIS (2006-04-16)

More funny on the site.

Give them a hand - United Way campaign

Here is a great campaign that won Best of Show at the Extra Awards, the Canadian Newspaper Ad Awards. Dry stuff, I know, but bear with me, the images are beautiful.







DDB Vancouver has had their account for a while, and has been absolutely bang on in their work. Good stuff.

Why Tyra ain't never gonna be Oprah...

Oprah gave away a Pontiac G6 to every member of her studio audience. And then Tyra... well... just watch the clip.


Three words: Bat. Shit. Crazy.