Best Moments from the R Kelly Trial!

...But her testimony quickly turned into a play-by-play of a fantasy basketball game in which Kelly was the star player. Kelly had a hit with "I Believe I Can Fly," from the soundtrack to the animated movie "Space Jam." According to Guerrero, Kelly also believed he could play ball.

Guerrero described--and prosecutors provided photos of--a mural on the wall of a half basketball court in the lower level of the home. In it, Kelly is a Michael Jordan doppelganger, bald, shiny, muscles rippling, committing a flagrant foul against the Tasmanian Devil. Jordan himself is the referee. And the audience? A cast of Looney Tunes characters, from Elmer Fudd to Sylvester, cheering on the one-on-one game and holding signs that read "Go R. Kelly!" and "Go Taz!"

- source

Are you kidding me? This is unprecedented.

Jamison also got a few laughs out of the court, such as when Adam asked her about the possibility of the tape having been altered with special effects. Had she seen the Wayans brothers movie "Little Man"? "It looked real, didn't it?" Adam asked. "Not really," Jamison replied with some sarcasm.

- source

The Wayan Brothers defense?

Kelly's attorneys suggest that a prayer group called "Midnight Missionaries" often came to the studio in the wee hours to pray about topics such as "sin and adultery."

- source

It's a hard time to be an R Kelly fan. Don't get me wrong, it's never been all that easy to be an R Kelly fan. But the infamous urination video seems a lot less funny in the cold light of the courtroom.

I, like the rest of society it seems, have inconsistent opinions about both the criminally famous and the sexualization of children. I only need to cite some first names - Britney, Miley, Jon-Benet - to make the point. Let's be clear - sexual activity with young teenagers, as a forty-year old man, is repugnant and appropriately criminal.

But my R Kelly love has never been about reason or ethics. It's a lawless love born of ego and delusion. And thus, I follow the trial. R Kelly, you never cease to amaze.

Why I need a video editing program:

Another Mindblowing Pop Culture Mashup!

"He's in his wiiiiiide stance! with his hammer pants down!" Hats off to you Jon Stewart.

Double Up Hits Stores!

Don't front. R. Kelly is the man.

Check out the song to the right, and enjoy the delicious goodness.

"Don't trip - I got a giant rocket
Gliding through just hitting your pocket"

If that's not enough, he drops a Uranus reference. AND it means just what you're afraid it does.

Amazing.

R. Kelly wants you to Double Up!

Best scene here? The last one, where he is crowned.

Oh, R. Kelly. Why must you be so very enigmatic and ghettofabulous?

This has been posted several times as a MySpace bulletin (yes, R. Kelly is one of my 79 dearest friends), always asking people to call him at 'The Chocolate Factory'.

Reason 9162 that he is the greatest creature in the world of entertainment.

And yes, dear listeners, I do plan to call him.

I will adopt the tobacco-voice of Selma Bouvier and the accent of a pregnant Southern teen. I will ask him to come take a tour of my Chocolate Factory. Then I will pause and say 'By which I mean my lady part'. Then I will again pause and say 'By which I mean my cooter'.

I will spend every single long distance minute of my calling plan on him. Such is the depth of my love.

Addendum: Oh, so so awesome. They have the calls actually playable from his myspace page. I am currently losing my mind. I will try to audio capture them and share them with you all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY R-KELLY!

A huge happy birthday to one of my personal heroes. A man who is ghettofabulazy to the ultimate degree. R. Kelly, I love ya.

'I don't like reggae...

...I love it!'

Where has this totally rad video been all my life?

Let me get this straight, people. You knew there was a white reggae version of R Kelly, and you didn't tell me? You know who you are, and you're on my blacklist forever. No wait.. you buy me fun toys and dance in snakeskin bras. Actually, I ain't mad atcha.

Plus, Friday reggae night at the Anza Club? Mad fun boi! This is a dedication to all the old friends I saw winding it down there this week. Boo yah!

Weird Al - mad respect!

Word to god, I pumped my fist in the air and said 'YES!!!!' when I just found out about this.

In retrospect it's no surprise, but Weird Al has a Trapped in the Closet tribute on his new album. Yes, I know. It really, really does rule. The clip below is audio only, but seriously - who wouldn't want to hear the clown prince of parody take on the cokehead stepson of ghettofabulousness? There'll probably be a video for this at some point, so this is a sneak preview.



Of course I know it's pretty fucking lame to like Weird Al. He exists in this weird vortex of celebrity, where he's so self-aware of his ironic so bad it's good appeal that he ruins it for everyone that likes him ironically. And to like him sincerely... well, then you're the kind of person that sincerely likes Weird Al.

But to the progenitor of nerd music; to the mastermind behind the classic film UHF; to yet another comic who's thrown his hat down in front of Trapped in the Closet and said 'shall we dance?'; and finally, to the man who made a video I knew every frame in when I was seven:



Weird Al, I salute you.

I Heart Aziz Ansari

Seriously - this guy is an awesome comic who's coming up large in the 2G6 son! Also, he's almost more obsessed with R. Kelly than I am, and is one half of the hosting team for the Trapped in the Closet comedy panel screenings. Soul mate much?


Here's Aziz spraying anti-laugh spray on his audience before a show. Why? Because his comedy has superhuman strength and otherwise it's just too easy.

So the video below is funny. Real funny. It's basically, as it says in the intro, the result of a 'shittiest mixtape' contest between Aziz and friends, where the loser had to walk around New York with a large boombox playing the tape.

Now this was so clearly awesome that it inspired friends of mine to make their own mixtape, which I had the misfortune of listening to the whole way to and from Birch Bay What's weird is that a handful of songs selected by friends were the exact same ones selected by Aziz.

Makes you wonder if 'good/bad' songs are less subjective than you think. I mean seriously - any song with the following lyrics will make even a grizzly bear say 'that's wack'.

New kids on the block had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick...

I like girls that wear abercrombie and fitch
Id take her if I had one wish

More traditional funny - standup, writing, sketches etc. - available on his website: azizisbored.com.

And try the 'shittiest mixtape battle' with your friends. It's good times!

Is it a bit too Mark Chapman...

... to suggest that R. Kelly is sending me personal messages through photo and video appearances in comedy shows and other media?

Hmmmm, yeah... I guess it is. Well then, I'm out of explanations:



Right? Becuase I was totally going to make out and have butt sex to r&b jams in a random gastown bar on Wednesday! How weird is that?!?*

*Trying to make the truth sound like a sarcastic comment.

STOP. Kelly time.

Some random R. Kelly video screencaps to start your Monday.









The R. Kelly love is getting slightly unhealthy. I take pride only in knowing I'm in good company - there was a unanimous positive reaction to Trapped on the weekend, and a bit of googling about tells me that: the Comedy Panel screenings are happening/have been happening across the country; Aziz Ansari can't stop talking about R. Kelly in his stand-up shows, and the University of Boston is staging Trapped in the Closet sing-a-long nights. Sweet!

Bumbermadness

So I went to Bumbershoot in Seattle this past weekend, and boy was it sick sick sick good times.

Among the best on a musical tip:


Lady Sovereign: Grimy electro-clash/hip hop goodness from the U.K. Think M.I.A.'s slutty, cockney-trash cousin. She's coming to Vancity on November 10th, so you best make way for the s.o. - VEEE.


Rishi Rich: sweet Banghra/Desi beats. Some of you may know how much I love this genre. The website is missing in action right now, but hopefully up soon so you can share the love. Some of the Rishi Rich project stuff is a little too R&B slow jam for my taste, but it's 80% good times.


DJ Assault: Booty bouncing ghettotech. He wasn't at Bumbershoot, rather at one of my favourite little Seattle clubs Chop Suey. It's been good times every time at that place... plus random bonus: free drinks from the bartender, who apparently gets mistaken for Jake Gyllenhall, because he thought I looked like his fake celeb sister Maggie Gyllenhall. Ding ding!


Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings: picture James Brown as a small wiry woman, and you've got the idea. Her dance style verged on the extraterrestrial. Loves it!

Obviously though the best thing of all Bumbertainment was the COMEDY PANEL SCREENING OF TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET. Yes, you heard that right y'all. More details to follow - I'm waiting for photos from a photographer I met from Minnesota who was shooting the event - but damn! It was off the hook!

What R.Kelly really means by the 'V.I.P. tour' of his crib...

It's funny - I've been meaning to post the ode to R. Kelly for a while, and then just now as I was listening to pandora, one of the many gems in the vault came on: Break Up (That's All We Do) It's a pretty mainstream joint from the album with Jay-Z, but the lyrics below killed me. Note how he masterfully transitions from a generic sexual scenario to something that's pure R. Kelly.

[R. Kelly]
Seems we're always arguing, but
Right after the arguing we have, sex
Sex with best friends
From the bathroom to the kitchen (we sex)
From the kitchen to living room (we sex)
From the living room to upstairs (we sex)
Upstairs to the attic (we sex)
Attic to the basement (we sex)
From the basement to the car garage (we sex)
Garage to the back of the Jeep (we sex)
Bicycle to the treadmill (we sex)
Even over by the dirty lawnmower (we sex)
The neighbors and the dogs are lookin crazy (we sex)
I don't care because you're my baby (we sex)
It's our house, and we can have sex (we sex)
anytime we want to (we sex)

Okay now seriously - by the dirty lawnmower?!?

R.Kelly, how I love you. So until I can complete the tribute album/column/post, keep digging in the R. Kelly vaults. The man is solid gold.

R. Kelly is the future.

Common knowledge dictates that there's a fine line between genius and crazy. As it now, turns out, the fastest route to this line is: a low IQ, a big budget and a lot of cocaine.

Yes, we're talking about R. Kelly's magnum opus - Trapped in the Closet.

Seriously now, how great are celebrity pet projects? Travolta's unintentionally hilarious scientology film, Mariah Carey's thinly veiled biodrama, Britney's heinous and hideous telebarf, Stallone's alleged new Rambo business... even Kirk Cameron has a 'personal story of faith' to share.

But R-Kelly's Trapped in the Closet has set a new benchmark - has in fact flown the bar so high (or low, depending on your viewpoint) that Britney, Whitney and Diddy could cohost a gangbang... and I'd be like... shrug.

The whole film is almost an experiment with the extreme limits of human entertainment. A new dimension in fact, where beyond the furthest limit of ego, superficiality, melodrama and ineptitude, it all inverts and becomes wonder, magic, depth and skill. I seriously think that watching this film may be the closest I've come to having a religious experience. Okay, maybe not, but it's pretty f'ing mindblowing, that's for sure.

So there you have it folks - stupid is the new smart, serious is the new funny, and R. Kelly is your new messiah.

Go forth and preach it.

Can we talk about...

Let's just sit and absorb the presence, before I start dissecting the madness, the greatness, the entity that is R Kelly.

Blog, meet World. World, meet Blog.

Ten important things to briefly note, as I begin this foray into the blogosphere:

1. R Kelly's 'Trapped in the Closet' film is the most important cultural artifact of the new millenium.
2. Well-programmed robots would solve many of humanity's problems.
3. SuperMario3 is the best video game of all time. Period.
4. Pop culture is not the enemy.
5. Really long hair is super gross.
6. Cats are also pretty gross.
7. Reggae music should not be judged by its fans alone.
8. Hip hop music should not be judged by its lyrics alone.
9. In the universe as a whole, Earth is likely best known for its cola.
10. Good dance skills can make up for many shortcomings - in oneself, and in a relationship

I will be expanding on these, and other related or un-related topics, in this blog. Enjoy!